


Life is a bitch and then you don't die

by EstelUndomiel (capn_cecil_ang)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, POV First Person, Purgatory, self-loathing Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 21:40:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1957062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capn_cecil_ang/pseuds/EstelUndomiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Basically what I think Cas's thoughts in purgatory were. Kind of prequel to Not all those who wander are lost (will update tomorrow).</p><p>Spoilers: Since S07E23 up to S08E08</p><p>Disclaimer: All rights and citations reserved to creators of Supernatural and to great writers of Sanctuary quotes (for the title). I own nothing but my weird fantasies and even weirder associations.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Life is a bitch and then you don't die

**Author's Note:**

> Basically what I think Cas's thoughts in purgatory were. Kind of prequel to Not all those who wander are lost (will update tomorrow).
> 
> Spoilers: Since S07E23 up to S08E08
> 
> Disclaimer: All rights and citations reserved to creators of Supernatural and to great writers of Sanctuary quotes (for the title). I own nothing but my weird fantasies and even weirder associations.

_“And at the best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake. Or ... I don’t die – I’m brought back again. I see now. It’s a punishment resurrection. It’s worse every time.”_ Those words are sounding in my head like a mantra every night. And I’m starting to realise I was completely right. I don’t deserve to live anymore. Not after everything I’ve done.

People don’t usually get even second chance to start a new life. I’ve got three. And every time I tried to fix what I’ve done wrong in previous life I ended up destroying so much more.

No. I don’t deserve to be up there. I don’t deserve Earth and I certainly don’t deserve Heaven. I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I devastated Heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind and I can’t go back. Because if I see what Heaven’s become – what I made of it ... I’m afraid I might kill myself.

THIS is the right place for me. This is where I belong. I just wish Dean would understand it too.

*****

            _“Cas.”_ I hear the voice calling not far behind. _“Dean.”_ I exclaim. I hoped he would stop looking for me. Therefore I didn’t answer his prayers. I hoped he would think I’m dead when I will not respond. It was breaking my heart every time I ignored him, after everything we’ve been through, me and him. But I did it for him, as most of the things I did. I was trying to protect him. But I forgot how stubborn he is. And how good his hunter’s instinct is. Of course he didn’t stop searching. And of course, he found me. And now he was in even greater danger than before. But he will not go away. And I don’t have a heart to flee again.

            _“Cas?”_ Dean repeats as he is approaching me. He doesn’t deserve this. He seems so genuinely happy. He smiles heartily as he is hugging me. _“Damn, it’s so good to see you.”_ I’m hearing Dean’s muffled voice somewhere near my ear. I just wish I’d had the strength to at least hug him back. But I can’t. I can’t bear the thought he found me. He made a mistake coming here. As he did when he decided to stick with me and try to get us out of here. _“Cas. We’re getting out of here. We’re going home.”_   I hear Dean saying but I can’t make myself to look at him. If he’d just knew. I don’t have a home anymore. I haven’t had one a long time now. _“Cas, buddy, I need you,”_ Dean says and my eyes start filling with tears. I just wish I had the strength to tell him I want to stay. _“Dean,”_ I start but he interrupts me. _“And if Leviathan want to take a shot at us, let them. We ganked those bitches once before. We can do it again.”_ he says with a half grin. _“It’s too dangerous,”_ I shake my head in attempt to make Dean decide otherwise one last time. _“Let me bottom-line it for you.”_ Dean sighs heavily. _“I’m not leaving here without you. Understand?” “I understand.”_ I’m capitulating at last.

*****

            _“Dean, it’s a human portal,”_ I say while pacing behind him. _“There’s still no proof that an angel can pass ...” “Stow it, Cass. You’re coming. That’s final.”_ Dean interrupts me. _“I’m just saying,”_ I say firmly as I’m placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder to make him stop and look at me. _“If it doesn’t work,”_ I pause a little and nod, _“thank you ... for everything.””Save the hallmark. Ok?”_ Dean says and I see the flash of anger in his eyes. _“It’s gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.”_ he says firmly. I’m watching for a while as he turns and walks away, thinking about his loyalty. He would probably not understand. He is so devoted. He would do everything to get us out of here. He already did. He allied with vampire for starter. He thought of everything. Except the fact, that maybe I don’t want to get out. I just wish I knew how to tell him. I think even the vampire understands. Dean just doesn’t see it. Or he doesn’t want to.

*****

            _“Dean, wait,”_ I sense the Leviathans are near us. Of course they wouldn’t let us out so easily. Dean is thrown away by the bald Leviathan and I’m trying to fight them back but they are much stronger than me. And maybe they aren’t, I’m just not willing to fight anymore. I’m beaten, on my knees, receiving one punch after another. And I’m slowly but surely stopping to make resistance. I just want the end of it all. The bald Leviathan grabs me tightly by my coat and he is about to finish his job. But Dean shows up in the nick of the time and he saves me. He pulls me back on my feet and yells: _“We got to move! The portal’s closing!”_ He tries so hard. To get us out, to save me. I don’t want to disappoint him further. _“Cas! Damn it! Come on!”_ he shouts over his shoulder as I trip in attempt to get to the portal in time. And I know this is my last chance to say I don’t want to go. _“Come on!”_ He reaches the arm to pull me into the portal. I grab it and look him directly in the eyes. _“I got you! Hold on!”_ Dean yells. _“Dean!”_ I’m trying to gather my last pieces of strength. _“Hold on!”_ Dean repeats as he’s trying to pull me up. _“Dean!”_ I say one last time as I pull away. _“Go!”_

And Dean disappears in front of me into the other dimension. And as I’m watching now silent scenery in front of me I realise I was never weak. I was strong. Stronger than Dean. Because I made my own choice. A choice to stay. And I know there is nothing Dean could have done to save me because I didn’t want to be saved. _“You can’t save everyone, my friend,”_ I say into the empty rock space in front of me, _“though you try.”_ He will be better without me. Everybody will. In time, even he will understand.


End file.
